His Winter Heart: Gay Romance Page 3

  He remembered that look Wes gave him after he offered him money. The look that said, "I want you whatever it takes." Even that kind of impersonal desire was nice. It made Colin's dick stir. But from Wes it seemed stronger, more focused. Colin was sure that not just any guy could get Wes's attention like that. He wanted Wes to look at him like that again, with eyes that promised to have him coming and coming and just begging for more.

  Chapter 3

  Opening his eyes to a mean set of weights confused Colin until he remembered where he was sleeping. He listened for Wes, but didn't hear anything. He didn't fool himself into thinking he wasn't up yet. For Colin, getting up at seven was pretty early, but Wes was probably up and working already.

  Colin confirmed this after he took a shower, got dressed and went to lean on the doorway of his office.

  "I took a shower. I hope that's OK," Colin said.

  "Of course," Wes told him as he got up from his desk.

  "I probably used up all the hot water."

  "It's still OK," Wes told him. "Are you ready for breakfast?"

  "You're feeding me again?" Colin asked.

  "I did make breakfast part of the deal," Wes told him.

  Actually Wes had only made it part of the deal the first night, but Colin wasn't going to argue.

  "We can go to a place a few blocks east. They have a very good homemade sausage and waffle plate," Wes said.

  "You don't have to take me out for breakfast. I can make us something," Colin offered and went into the kitchen to see what was in the fridge. "But I would need ingredients," Colin said, seeing the empty fridge.

  He was relieved that he didn't need to put his money where his mouth was. He didn't exactly know how to cook, but he figured he could fake his way through frying an egg or two. He had seen it done plenty of times, most recently at Penny's Diner where the cooks could crack two eggs at once, one in each hand. He wasn't going to try for that fancy move. With no eggs, he wasn't going to be doing anything at all. He looked at Wes for an explanation for his empty fridge and mostly bare cupboards, which he also opened. The only edible things he found were a few snacks and a bag of whole wheat bread.

  "I like to eat out so I don't get stuck in here alone all day," Wes told him.

  "And because you don't have anything edible in your whole kitchen."

  "It's the other way around. If I stocked the kitchen with food, I wouldn't need to go out to eat." Wes looked off to the side as he continued his weird explanation. "When I first started living alone after college, I found myself almost trapped in a routine with no human contact. I worked from home so I hardly ever left my apartment. I even ordered groceries to be delivered. I decided that it wasn't healthy to spend that much time alone."

  "So you decided to starve yourself out. Why not use teargas?" Colin asked. "You know I'm getting kind of tired of telling you how weird you are."

  "You can stop any time," Wes told him with a wry smile. "Let's go to breakfast."

  *

  Last night, staying away from Colin was both more difficult and easier than Wes expected. He had seen Colin's relative innocence stamped on his face. He had also seen how much he needed to find a permanent place to live. Wes just had to imagine him out on the cold, dark streets all alone to want to give him a safe, warm place at least for one more night. And that didn't include taking advantage of him.

  Soon after he met him, Colin's wellbeing had become more important to him than his desire for him. The feeling resembled compassion but went deeper. It reached deep enough inside him to scare him. Wes couldn't afford to develop feelings for Colin. It would be bad for both of them.

  That morning, Wes made a point of sticking to their agreement and taking him to breakfast. In reality, he just wanted to stay in his company a little longer. He felt as if his world would turn from vivid to gray the second Colin stepped out the door.

  As he took him to eat waffles and sausage, Wes feasted on his enjoyment of every bite. Despite a mouth full of food, Colin didn't let up about Wes's vampiric, lonely existence. Wes found it odd that he didn't mind that Colin needled him about how he lived. He was actually relieved that gratitude didn't sew his mouth shut. Since Colin felt free to speak his mind, Wes decided to steer the conversation away from himself and to another topic. He wanted to find out more about Colin. The first question was the obvious one.

  "How did you end up with no place to stay?" Wes asked him as they ate, and Colin tried to load as much syrup as he could on each bite of his waffle.

  "I told you how that guy wanted to pimp me out."

  Wes nodded. "What about your family?"

  "It's just me and my brother, Tim, but he's in Canada. He doesn't know I'm homeless."

  "And why not?"

  "He would leave his job and rush down here. And I'm almost nineteen. I should be able to take care of myself."

  "What happened to your parents?"

  "Gone. Our dad died first. His car skidded on ice. He went right off the bridge and into the river. It took them days to find him." Colin stopped speaking. He looked far away. After a moment, his eyes clouded with pain. He turned to Wes and continued. "Three years later, it was our mom. She got a lung infection. Some kind of antibiotic resistant strain. Tim blamed himself for not making her go to the hospital sooner, but it seemed like just a bad flu at first. Tim was studying to be a paramedic at the time so he thinks he should have known better. I think that's why he was so determined to do things for me. I'm only two years younger than him, but as far as he's concerned, it might as well be a thousand. Tim could have stayed in school while working to support himself if he let me quit school and go to work too. But he wanted to support both of us. He quit school and worked two jobs while making me finish two years of high school. I would have defied him, but I could tell how much it mattered to him. He was doing it for me, and for our parents, and out of guilt too. I couldn't fight all that."

  "It seems that you and your brother are a lot alike," Wes said. "You both put each other before yourselves."

  "I'm not doing anything other than keeping my trap shut. That's not exactly backbreaking work," Colin claimed.

  "If you say so," Wes said. He didn't hide that he disagreed.

  Now he almost wished he didn't know this about Colin. Though he had asked him about himself, knowing that he was so determined not to be a burden to his older brother and that he had lost his parents didn't help Wes keep a cool head about him. As he shoveled food into his mouth, Colin looked so bright and perfect to him. He wanted to grab hold of him and tell him he would never let him go.

  The next evening, Wes laced up his shoes and got his jacket, ready to go out and eat. He couldn't even pretend to himself that he was going anywhere else but the diner. As he walked down the sidewalk, he knew he wasn't going there just to eat, and he wasn't going there because it was convenient. He was going there to see Colin. It was inevitable.

  The evening was chilled by a wind that drove the thin, smoky clouds against the dark blue of the sky. Going into Penny's Diner, Wes searched the place for Colin. He held his breath until he saw him then let it out with relief.

  On first seeing him, Colin greeted him with a surprised look and a smile. There was also a question in his eyes about whether Wes would invite him home with him again. The thought of disappointing him made Wes's insides seize with a sick feeling. He couldn't stand the thought that Colin would have nowhere to go, that he might walk the streets all night or sleep under a park bench or in a doorway.

  Colin was busy cleaning up a table so Wes took a seat. Now that Wes saw him, there was no doubt that he would invite him home with him again. He felt the words "come home with me" just waiting to burst out of him as soon as Colin was there to hear them.

  *

  Tonight Wes was walking with him to his apartment. It reminded Colin of that first night and what he expected to happen then. Tonight was only an echo of that. Colin was going home with a guy, but that guy had sworn off touching him. Colin still felt excite
ment stir low in his belly. There was a tremor in his muscles as if they still expected a workout. Deep inside, his body was getting ready to feel something. His bones steeled themselves in case they had to hold up another man's weight when he came at him, heavy and strong.

  With such an immediate awareness of Wes in every fiber of his being, Colin turned to him. They stood side by side in the elevator. Wes was physically imposing but as placid as an iced over lake. The only thing that betrayed him was that he wouldn't meet Colin's eyes. Not even out of defiance, not even to show him he wasn't affected by him. That's how Colin knew he wasn't the only one who thought the air in that elevator was too thick to breathe.

  When Colin woke up in the quiet of Wes's apartment again, he wondered how many more nights he would get to spend there. He had been looking for somewhere to stay, but every time he thought he might have something, it fell through. He just didn't make enough working part time to pay even a small share of the rent. That made him a charity case. And so far, only Wes wanted to take him in.

  Later that morning, he and Wes went their separate ways after another breakfast. This time, they ate at a bagel joint that smelled like smoked fish but made up for it with the taste of some amazing bagels and lox. It was funny how Wes went to all these different places to eat. The people who served them or took their orders behind counters all acknowledged Wes in low key ways. They didn't treat him like an old, dear customer. It was the same with the waitresses at the diner. They all treated Wes like someone that they knew, from long experience, preferred to be left alone.

  When Wes took him to breakfast, the people acknowledged Colin in a similar way but with a subtle question in their eyes. The questioning expression was quickly set aside as if to say, "none of my business." Those looks made Colin wonder again if maybe he looked like a prostitute. Did those looks mean "Look at that guy buying his whore breakfast"? But maybe he was just being paranoid, and they just thought he was Wes's boyfriend.

  Whatever the looks meant, they weren't a big deal. What he hated was that every time he left might be the last time he saw Wes. Every morning as Colin said, "See you", he saw a goodbye in Wes's eyes and that worried him.

  Colin wasn't sure if he would have the courage to go back to his place without being asked. How long could he stand it, not seeing Wes day after day? He didn't have very good impulse control. He probably wouldn't be able to stop himself. Throwing away the last shreds of his pride, Colin would march himself right up there and demand to be let back into Wes's life.

  It was reassuring to see Wes at Penny's every night. He took it for granted that he always ate there since it was so close to his place. He asked Tamaya about him since he usually sat in her section.

  "He's a good tipper, so I guess I should thank you," she said to Colin with a smirk.

  "Me?"

  "Aha. He used to come in here maybe every other week, not every day. And he never ordered dessert," she said and looked Colin up and down. "What have you been doing to that man?"

  "So you're saying I'm good for business."

  "Aha."

  "Tell Mr. Snyder so he'll give me more hours," Colin told her.

  Colin still didn't take it for granted that Wes would show up every night or that he would ask him to spend the night. When Wes did show up and invited him back, Colin would move on to a different question. When would Wes finally cave in and fuck him?

  Chapter 4

  It was another day spent telling himself that he wouldn't invite him back, followed by a walk to the diner to ask Colin to spend another night at his place. Just one more night, the last one. But on every walk to the diner, Wes tried to shut out a whispered hope inside him that Colin hadn't found anywhere else to stay, that no one had made him a better offer, that no one had stolen him away. Then Wes would get to play the good Samaritan again.

  Too quickly Wes had gotten addicted to Colin. Was that another thing he inherited from his mother? An addictive personality would be one more thing to fear, another time bomb in his genes.

  Wes raised his face to the cold wind. He felt its force as it stole his breath and the warmth from his skin. He had never minded the cold, but he knew this was the kind of weather that made you grit your teeth and lower your head so you could push through to where you were determined to go. In Wes's case, the will that determined his actions didn't seem like his own. He felt like he had given up control to the lowest part of himself. But he wasn't merely selfishness that drove him. The colder the weather got, the less he wanted to see Colin spend a night out there.

  Without fail, Wes had invited Colin to spend the night at his place every night for a week. Every morning as he worked, Wes would listen for the sounds of Colin getting out of bed. Then he would give him some time to get ready.

  This morning he did the same thing then went into the living room where Colin was waiting, looking out at the skyline. As seen through the apartment windows, the morning was deceptively sunny. In fact it was freezing out there. Maybe that's why Colin looked so glum as he leaned next to the window.

  "Are you ready for breakfast?" Wes asked him.

  "Sure. I guess." Colin immediately looked more alert but not more cheerful.

  "You're not hungry?"

  "Oh, I'm hungry. It's just breakfast equals getting kicked out of paradise."

  "You don't even like this place," Wes pointed out to him.

  "It's warm, and it's indoors," Colin said as he got his jacket on.

  It didn't look thick enough to Wes. He wondered if he should offer to buy him a better one. He could use better shoes too. Did he even have gloves? What Colin needed most was a place to live. Was Wes ready to offer him that?

  They were standing by the front door when Wes took a leap. "Maybe we can come to an arrangement," he said before he thought twice and stopped himself.

  "You said you didn't want to," Colin reminded him.

  "A different arrangement."

  "Like what?"

  "I keep inviting you over. We might as well make it official." Now that the decision was made, Wes was at peace with it, kind of like a jumper who already stepped off the ledge. It was too late for second thoughts now.

  "And what do you get out of the deal?" Colin wanted to know.

  "You are kind of nice to have around."

  Colin looked surprised by that answer. "What about sex?"

  "That's off the table. I don't need your moral ruin on my conscience."

  "That's a little melodramatic. I'm legal. Isn't that all that counts?" Colin asked. He was looking at Wes with intense, teasing eyes, almost like he wanted to persuade him.

  "No," Wes told him and led the way out.

  On the way down in the elevator, Colin shifted nervously. "Listen up. It's confession time. Two nights ago, this friend of mine from high school said I could crash at his place for the night, but I took a chance and held out for a better offer."

  Wes couldn't help but feel flattered. He was glad that he scraped up enough courage to make Colin that better offer. But he was afraid too. He had taken a blind step not knowing where it would lead. One thing he knew was that it now felt different to walk with Colin by his side. It felt wonderful and terrifying.

  *

  It was so much sweeter going up to Wes's place now that he kind of lived there. And it wasn't just then, Colin's whole day was sweeter now that he knew for sure that he would sleep indoors and also that he was guaranteed to see Wes. To someone who didn't know him, Wes looked so cold, but he was warm deep inside where it counted.

  Colin didn't know it could feel so good just to be around someone. Even if Wes was in the next room, always working, he was still somehow good company. And he was more accepting of Colin and his ways than he expected. Wes even let him put his feet up on the coffee table. Colin only did that out of habit. Even if Wes didn't make him feel bad about it, he put his feet down whenever he remembered. Wes was being really good to him, Colin wanted to show him how much that meant to him in as many ways as he could.


  Today he had decided to go grocery shopping after he finished work. As he came through the apartment door, Colin savored the happy feeling of being home, kind of. Wes was right there to complete the moment. Seeing that Colin was bringing in two grocery bags, Wes looked appalled.

  "It's just for breakfast," Colin said quickly, afraid that he had broken Wes's no food in the house rule.

  "Are you using your own money to buy food?" Wes asked.

  "Just a little," Colin said, relieved that Wes wasn't mad at him.

  "I'll buy food, anything you want. Please save your money," Wes implored him.

  "I want to contribute," Colin told him as he set the bags on the kitchen counter.

  "You can make us breakfast, but don't spend any more of your money," Wes told him.

  Colin agreed and hoped he had some natural breakfast making talent to make up for his lack of skill.

  *

  Wes wondered just how different his life was going to be while Colin lived with him.

  "You'll have food in the fridge and me to keep you company," Colin declared as he put away the food he bought.

  If someone like Colin was living there with him, why shouldn't there be food in the house? Obviously all rules were going out the window. His apartment was neither as quiet nor as clean as it used to be despite Colin's efforts to be good. He was just too young and alive to live by Wes's rules.

  His rules weren't meant for Colin anyway. They were for Wes. An orderly life calmed his fears. Order equaled sanity, though maybe he did take it to an unhealthy extreme as Colin liked to point out. Having grown up with his grandparents watching him with worry, afraid that one day he would become like his mother, Wes had internalized their fear for his sanity. However well-meaning they might have been, they had marked him for life.