His Winter Heart: Gay Romance Page 9

  Passing up the lurking guy, Colin went to Oasis. It was too early for the place to be packed. There were maybe a dozen guys in there. It was warm, but Colin took off his jacket reluctantly. He felt exposed though he still had a few layers on. A tall, severely blond guy in his late twenties reminded him of Wes, but his eyes looked cruel and his mouth was like a slit. Leaning on the edge of the bar, he arrogantly signaled to Colin to approach him. Another guy smiled at him. He was good-looking, not as tall, but not as mean-looking either. Colin went up to him. He had a cool Spanish accent, and he didn't rush Colin. That was nice, but Colin wanted to get this over with.

  Even while he went through the motions, Colin wanted to forget every minute. Why wasn't Wes here to pull him away from this man and take him home, tell him what a fool he was being? Why the hell did he need Wes to tell him that? He already knew. He felt it in every inch of his being as his body recoiled from this man's touch, and from the next one, from all of them. The whole time, inside his head, he was screaming at Wes, "Where are you?!"

  Night was falling by the time Colin headed home. His limbs felt heavy, his head hurt like his skull was screwed on too tight. He approached the apartment with the fear that he would find it dark and empty.

  It wasn't empty. Wes was home. As he stumbled in, Colin caught him pacing the living room. Wes stopped and stared at Colin hard, as if he was trying to answer some question about him without having to ask.

  Colin stepped toward him, but half the room was still between them. "Do you want to smell me? See what I've been up to?" When Wes didn't take him up on it, Colin sniffed the front of his own sweater. "I smell like smoke, and like booze with a few different colognes and aftershaves mixed in, some BO that isn't mine."

  "Stop!" Wes said though Colin wasn't going to go on.

  Instead of answering the question Wes didn't want to ask him, Colin had a question of his own. "Why do I have to go out there trolling for guys to get more experience just so you won't reject me?"

  "You don't. Are you OK?" Wes asked urgently. He came up to Colin and looked at him closely.

  Without answering, Colin leaned against him, resting his head on his shoulder.

  "Are you OK?" Wes asked again, this time in a soft voice as he put his arms around Colin lightly.

  "I will be," Colin told him. He didn't expect to sound so croaky and pathetic.

  Wes's hold on him tightened. It felt so good.

  "Now I'm all right," Colin told him. Every second in Wes's arms made the whole evening disappear. There was only Wes and his strong arms holding him. This was how it was supposed to be. Wes would figure that out too, sooner would be better than later. For now he wanted to put Wes's mind at ease. He stepped back a little so he could make eye contact.

  "I couldn't do it. One or two guys were pretty hot too. But I kept seeing you, and it hurt to even think of doing it with them. I just don't want to be with anyone else," Colin said and threw himself into Wes's arms again. He spoke leaning against Wes's chest. "After that I thought it might be easier if the guy wasn't hot. Maybe then it wouldn't feel so much like cheating. But it was still too hard. There was this older guy. I thought he would count for a million years of experience. He kind of got aggressive so I had to get the hell away from him." Colin could feel Wes tense.

  His breathing got ragged as he pulled back to look at Colin with alarm.

  "He didn't do anything much," Colin reassured him.

  "I'm sorry."

  "It's not on you. I know it was my choice. If it's what I have to do, I'll get up the courage again and do it. But do you really want me out there doing it with random guys?"

  "No!" Wes said without hesitation. Colin could see how much the thought hurt him.

  "Then stop pushing me away. I committed myself to you. Now I can't turn it off and go fuck just anyone. Why can't you do that for me?"

  "Why do you have to be so young?" Wes asked hopelessly.

  "Why do I need to be older or have more experience? Why do I need anything when all I want is you?" Colin said, his voice breaking.

  "I'm not worth having. I'm not worth any of this."

  "Give yourself to me and let me decide what you're worth!" Colin's demand was followed by a violent lunge that slammed Wes into the wall.

  *

  It was nighttime when Colin came back to him pale, bedraggled, with a heartbreaking look on his face. Seeing him like that, Wes was afraid of what he might have done, what Wes might have pushed him into. He was relieved when Colin told him that nothing happened then shocked as he slammed into him.

  The impact of his back hitting the wall knocked the air out of him. As Colin crashed against him, Wes caught him in his arms. Colin's eyes were wild. His cock was hard. His hands grabbed at Wes madly. It was like Colin wanted to tear him apart.

  The unyielding press of his body was nothing compared to Colin's steel-willed desire. When he laid claim to Wes's mouth, his kiss was full of anger and desperation. The raw, sloppy kiss didn't last. Wes pushed Colin away before his self-control was completely undone.

  The wet, hard feel of Colin's mouth nearly consumed him anyway. Wes wanted to feel Colin's body under him, to thread his fingers through his hair. His heart thundered in his ears. Colin had never been closer or more within reach. All he had to do was answer Colin's yearning with his honest feelings, but he didn't dare.

  Colin was panting and glaring at him. His jacket was half off his shoulders, and he pulled it off impatiently. He threw it behind him, aiming for the couch, but clearly not caring where it landed.

  "Between the two of us, I can't believe you're the fucking coward," Colin accused him. He touched his fingers to his lips like he might have hurt himself when he kissed Wes so hard. He spoke in a husky voice. "I'm ready to do anything for you, for us. Stop driving me to this, stop bruising my ego and hurting me in general."

  "I never want to hurt you." It was simply a statement of truth. Everything he did was so Colin wouldn't be hurt by him.

  "Too damn late," Colin said. It was clear from the look in his eyes that he didn't want to say that.

  "I'm sorry."

  "Yeah, we're both sorry. It doesn't get us anywhere."

  "I don't expect you to share my fear for the future and for my sanity but..."

  "Why not? I want to share everything with you. You big, blond idiot."

  Wes hung his head. He didn't know what to say to him that would dissuade him. Instead, he asked him if he wanted dinner, offered to make him something or order whatever he wanted. Colin looked glum and went to his room.

  Wes was just glad he was home. Seeing that Colin's jacket was in danger of sliding off the couch, he picked it up. Once it was in his hands, he couldn't help it, he held it against him. As he smelled the alien smells mixed with Colin's familiar scent, Wes wondered how close had he come to doing something.

  *

  Colin went to bed mad and horny. He had stripped down to his boxers, strewing his clothes all over the floor. He was tired but it was too early and he was too restless to sleep. Too many sensations and flashes of memory swirled in his brain. Wes was the worst of them. When Colin kissed him, Wes didn't look surprised, but he did look a little mad. Well Colin could see his mad and raise him. Then Wes's face went blank, kind of lost. Colin couldn't read him.

  As his anger drained away, Colin mainly felt relieved that he didn't come home with any more experience than he left with. That wasn't the way to get Wes anyway. Colin just had to learn some patience, maybe fake some maturity.

  Though he was tempted to go and make up with Wes, Colin decided to leave it until morning. Still keyed up, he might launch himself at Wes again. That wasn't the way to Wes's heart. Colin didn't want to smash it open. He wanted to melt it.

  *

  Early the next morning, as Wes was making coffee, he didn't know what to expect when Colin got up. But Colin came to him unexpectedly contrite.

  "I'm sorry about last night. I didn't mean to blackmail you," he said. He seemed genuinely rem
orseful.

  "You didn't," Wes told him. The last thing he wanted was to make Colin feel bad.

  "Yes, I did. I know you care about me, and I used that against you. I tried to make you feel guilty. Sorry." Colin looked gloomy, and his eyes pleaded for Wes's forgiveness.

  "Please don't apologize," Wes begged him. He was unprepared for how much it hurt him to hear Colin blaming himself.

  Colin got a questioning look in his eyes then they shone reflecting the tentative smile on his lips. He said a quiet "OK" and hugged Wes. It was a chaste hug, tight and heartfelt. It was over before Wes got a chance to return it. He breathed hard and saw that Colin now looked more cheerful. Looking into Wes's eyes with something like his usual bright, insinuating expression, Colin told him his decision.

  "I'm going to wait for you, but not patiently. And I'm not going to try and rack up any experience points in the meantime."

  "If I say I'm glad, will you take it the wrong way?" Wes asked.

  "Yes."

  Wes smiled at him. In his whole life he hadn't smiled as much as he had since he met Colin. "You don't know how wonderful you are," Wes told him in a tight voice.

  "That's my line. I know I'm awesome. You're the one who is all down on himself." Colin looked at him with his old spirit shining from his eyes.

  "If you knew it, you wouldn't try to throw yourself away on someone like me," Wes told him.

  "I was going to get mad at you for being so down on yourself, but it's actually a sign that we're perfect for each other. I have too much confidence. You have none. Between us we're just right."

  But Wes knew Colin had more bravado than confidence. What happened yesterday proved that to him.

  "I have all this faith in you," Colin said as he gazed at him. "I think it's more than enough for both of us."

  "I don't deserve it."

  "Oh, you do, and one day soon, you'll earn it too. You are going to make all my dreams come true," Colin said with a big grin and all that crazy, unfounded faith shining in his eyes.

  How could Wes even think of killing that in him? He couldn't deny that he loved the feeling that Colin was his, only his. Even if there were others before, from now on, it would be only him. All Wes had to do was give in. He was lost in that thought, the feeling of possession. He wasn't fully conscious of what he was doing with his hands on Colin.

  Wes's gaze was lost in him. His fingertips grazed the stubble on Colin's cheek as his thumb brushed from one corner of his mouth to the other. Colin kept his mouth closed. He didn't want to be too helpful or cooperative just then. Wes could see a perverse defiance in his eyes. He couldn't tell if that look was meant to seduce him or not. When Colin didn't respond, Wes started to pull his hand back, thinking it was for the best. Colin grabbed his hand and kissed his fingertips. It was as if he wasn't capable of rejecting Wes.

  At the touch of his lips, Wes's need for Colin completely shattered his willpower, and he leaned in. He watched Colin smile right before he kissed him. The slide of his mouth was overwhelming. The probing of his tongue set a fire inside him. Wes was lost, drowned, beyond rescue.

  When Wes pulled back, ready to apologize, Colin hugged him.

  "God, you make me happy," he gasped as he held Wes too tightly.

  That stopped all the words Wes wanted to say. He closed his eyes and breathed in Colin's scent. Maybe he was happy too.

  It took a long time for his breathing to even out. It was like Colin's mouth was still on him, stealing his breath. Colin felt so solid and right in his arms, not like someone he had to protect, but strong, maybe even stronger than him.

  Colin stopped hugging him so he could give him a triumphant look, which wasn't eager or gloating but almost serene in victory. "That was a real kiss. I figured I would have to seduce you while you were drunk or something," Colin said.

  "I wouldn't want that. I want to go into this with my eyes open or not at all." It was a sort of warning, probably too late, and like all others, useless.

  "Fine then. With your eyes open it is," Colin said, a hopeful look on his face. Seeing how Wes was a crumbling mess in his defeat, Colin smiled at him reassuringly. "Since you're being so good, I'm going to try and calm down. But you have to start coming to terms with the inevitable. You're mine."

  Wes had escaped to his office, consumed by Colin in a new way. He was so unreasonable and loving, but he wasn't all impulse. He wasn't thoughtless. He waited for Wes with his own version of patience one minute and furious impatience the next. Every second Wes had loved him more.

  But Colin deserved better than what he asked for – an emotionally stunted man who was too old for him. The more wonderful Colin was the less Wes deserved him, the more he wanted to protect him, the more he wanted for him a better life than he could give him. And then there he was, kissing him. He couldn't blame this one on Colin. He couldn't take it back. He could only wonder where this would take them.

  After decades of existence, Wes was finally being brought to life with all its pains and joys and more fear than he ever felt when he only had himself to think of.

  Knowing that Colin would be going to work soon, Wes got antsy. He had to stop working so he could see him before he left. Colin must have gotten ready in a hurry. Wes wanted to scold him for going out with hair still damp from the shower. He watched him straighten his sweater. Before he put on his jacket, Colin reached down and adjusted the crotch of his jeans. Noticing Wes watching him, he turned to him fully.

  "Did you catch all that?" Colin taunted him. "You didn't miss any of the good stuff, did you? Here it goes again. Watch closely now."

  Colin made a show of adjusting himself, tugging his balls into place as his cock grew in his hand visibly. Once he was done, he stood there with the front of his jeans bulging while Wes refused to avert his eyes.

  "Do you even know the meaning of embarrassment?" Wes asked him.

  "What do I have to be embarrassed about?" Colin said with a confident smirk. Wes had to smile at him as he sauntered out. Whatever his better qualities might be, he certainly wasn't a picture of maturity.

  Chapter 13

  The night before his nineteenth birthday, Colin got off work early and his friends took him out to celebrate. He had told them that he was reserving the night of his birthday for Wes. They were not kind and understanding about that at all. Every one of them accused him of planning some perverted sex act for the occasion. Any sex act would work for him, but they let their imaginations run wild. By the time he got home, his head was spinning and he felt a little queasy. After telling Wes that his friends were kinky freaks and showing off all his loot, he went straight to bed. His real birthday was tomorrow and he couldn't wait to spend it with Wes.

  Next day at work, Colin was a worse klutz than ever. Thankfully no one was hurt as Colin stumbled around in a daze of uncertainty and anticipation. One thing was for sure, one of his gifts tonight better be Wes himself or there would be hell to pay.

  On the night of his birthday, things were off to a good start. Wes had made dinner, ordered a huge cake that was a challenge even to Colin's appetite. Best of all, Wes had this great, nervous smile on his face.

  Over dinner, Colin told him about his phone call from Tim.

  "It was a special occasion so it wasn't ninety percent bitching and nagging. He was more like the Tim he used to be before Mom died. He told me about stuff he was doing up there and some of the people. It was really nice. It almost made up for the gift card he sent me with a birthday card that said to buy myself some warm boots and socks. If your own brother doesn't get you something cool, who will?" Colin looked at Wes pointedly.

  "I guess it's a good thing I didn't get you gift card," Wes said and went to get the cake and set it in front of Colin.

  When the candles with the numbers one and nine were blown out, Wes gave Colin his first gift. Unrolling it on the dining table, Colin cracked up. It was a Nosferatu movie poster.

  "How did you know I had a thing for this guy?" Colin said and stood up to hug
him. He was already considering where he would put it up.

  "What's this?" Colin asked as Wes handed him a second gift.

  "A new phone. It comes with a generous data plan," Wes said.

  Colin pulled it out of the gift bag, not believing his eyes. For a moment he only gaped at Wes. When he got his voice back, he said, "That's a boyfriend gift, and you know it."

  "It's a practical gift. That's all," Wes told him. He knew that Colin had the cheapest phone with the cheapest plan that allowed calls and texting but no data.

  "Aha. It's a boyfriend gift," Colin insisted as he checked out what his new phone could do. He set it aside sooner than he wanted to and said a heartfelt "Thank you." Then he added, "For my boyfriend gift."

  Wes only sighed. He turned to the cake and started cutting them each a slice.

  "Cut me a big slice. That's what a good boyfriend does," Colin said as he sat down again at the table.

  "Maybe I just want to keep your mouth occupied."

  "There are better ways to do that."

  "Happy birthday," Wes told him as he handed him a giant slice of cake.

  Colin scarfed it down in record time. The whole time he kept Wes in his sights. He had plans for him.

  "I'm sorry you're having such a lonely birthday," Wes told him.

  "It's not lonely. You went all out for me. My heart is happy. Thank you," Colin told him.

  "I wish I could give you everything," Wes said quietly.

  "You know what I want. It's my birthday. Just remember how much I love you and how bad and impatient I've been."

  "Want more cake?" Wes asked.

  "Is it really impossible to take me seriously?"

  "I take you seriously."

  "When? You think I'm kidding around, but I'm deadly serious about you."