Make It Better (Gay Romance) Read online

  “I don’t know what’s going on with me,” Marcus said. “It shouldn’t be this hard to stay away from you.”

  Ray didn’t hide how glad he was that he couldn’t. He let out a little laugh, tried not to have a heart attack, and held back his tears. When it looked like Marcus would just stand on his welcome mat, Ray pulled him inside.

  They just stared at each other for a while. Ray stared because he couldn’t think of anything to say. Marcus was staring at him as if he was a puzzle, as if he could solve him and that way regain his self control.

  Ray offered him his one beer and asked him to sit down. Marcus shook his head. Soon his eyes lost focus. He turned half away from Ray. His thoughts were far away. Marcus was only with him in body. Ray looked at him, noticing the stubble, the short hair that was growing out a little. Marcus didn’t look any thinner than the last time he saw him. There might have even been a little improvement. If only he didn’t have that haunted look in his eyes.

  “It’s like you got lost somewhere, but you’re not even trying to find your way out,” Ray said not sure if Marcus would hear him or if it would matter to him what he said.

  He heard him and he denied the charge.

  “I’m not lost. I just have nowhere to go.”

  Ray wanted to tell him that he did and that he was already there, but he knew he would deny that too. Though he was sure that it was a bad idea, he wanted to reach inside him and set everything right.

  “What do you see when you picture them?” As he asked him this, Ray knew what he would say, and he was right. After looking at him with surprise that he would even ask him such a question, Marcus told him.

  “What do you think I see? They are dead, broken, bleeding.” His voice was raspy and bitter as he spoke because he lived those images, and these grisly remains he saw had once been people he loved.

  Ray wanted to make him see a different picture.

  “But that’s not who they were. Is it? Do they want to be that? To be remembered as broken bodies? They were people, kids. Think about them. Really think about them. Look at them and listen. What are they saying to you? What do they want from you? And don’t answer with your own guilt. Answer truthfully. What do they want from you?”

  He did answer truthfully. Marcus even smiled a little as he said it, like he could hear them yelling at him.

  “They want me to get my head out of my ass and get on with living my life. But I don’t know if I can. Even for them.”

  “Why not?”

  “Because I owe them that much. I at least owe them to be miserable. That’s why I can’t be with you. You make me happy. And not just when I’m in your bed, or just sitting with you. I feel happy just thinking about you. It isn’t right. I have no right to this.”

  There was his big mistake. By making Marcus happy, he had done exactly the wrong thing and ruined everything. But the truth was that he didn’t just want him to be happy. He wanted Marcus to fall in love with him. Now that Ray could see the damage he had done by rushing him, winning him over didn’t seem like the most important thing. Ray had to pull him back from that dark place where he thought he belonged. Marcus thought he needed to be punished. Ray’s only hope was to try and convince him that he didn’t.

  “But you didn’t kill them. It’s called an accident because no one meant for it to happen,” he said. “You argue in a car. You drive badly. You crash. It could be you or anyone. You might have been driving like someone’s grandmother, and the same thing could have happened.”

  Marcus shook his head like none of that meant anything.

  “What about me? What was I, just a vacation?” Ray asked him. Maybe if Marcus could feel something for him other than regret, he might turn his thoughts away from them.

  “Maybe. Maybe you’re too good to be real.” Marcus looked at him almost like he was teasing him, so he teased him back.

  “I’m not that good. I’ll make you wear those yellow sweats again, then you’ll see.”

  “You need to burn those.”

  Ray searched Marcus’s face and body for some sign of hope. He hadn’t deteriorated since he had seen him before. That was a relief. If he could just keep himself going, time might take care of the rest. Ray decided that Marcus needed to keep himself occupied until then.

  “You should go to classes. Keeping busy would make you feel better,” he suggested not expecting him to listen.

  “I’m not looking to make myself feel better.”

  Ray met his eyes fully though he was prepared to see a coldness there, but there wasn’t any. Marcus only looked sad and determined.

  “You have to find some way to live with this, Marcus,” he whispered maybe even begged. “You have to.”

  That’s all he could really do, nothing more. Maybe all his experience didn’t count for anything. It had all just been bodies. Now he was grappling with a soul, a lover and failing him.

  And this wasn’t what he meant to do anyway. Why was he pushing him? But he knew why. Ray was rushing him to recover so they could be together. He hung his head. Marcus noticed the change in his mood.

  “I’m selfish. Sorry,” he said.

  Marcus didn’t quite understand him. He took hold of his hand, and kissed first one side then the other. The feel of his lips made Ray want them everywhere. But too soon, Marcus let go.

  “If there was something I could do, would you tell me? Would you call me if you needed me?” Ray just had to know.

  Marcus didn’t answer. Ray don’t think he knew if he would or wouldn’t. He understood how it was. Until the moment came, he wouldn’t know. Ray could only offer him his hand. He couldn’t force him to take it.

  Marcus stared at his feet. So many questions filled Ray’s mind. But Marcus kept his eyes down. Instead of asking stupid questions, Ray reached out. His fingertips touched Marcus’s shoulder. Ray wanted his attention.

  “I won’t give up on you. I’ll give you time. That’s the best I can do,” he told him.

  Marcus looked up at him, teary eyed but smiling. Ray wanted to help him more than anything. And now he wanted to do that for Marcus’s sake not just for Lionel or for himself. Marcus meant more to him than his own happiness.

  Ray saw him swallow with difficulty. Marcus might have wanted to, but he couldn’t say a word. He turned away from Ray but didn’t move. He faced the front door but didn’t use it. Ray went to him. He stood close behind him, wanting to touch him but worried that he would get pushed away. He finally overcame this fear. He put his arms around Marcus and hugged him from behind. Marcus let him. Ray hummed some nonsense because there was nothing useful he could say. Marcus stopped holding back. His whole body went still as he let himself lean on him. Marcus even reached up his hand to touch Ray’s hands clasped over his chest. Then he pulled away and left.

  Ray hated watching him leave. As he was left alone, he forced himself to hold on to the hopes he had built up around Marcus. Ray tried to think of him as someone just in the next room, or down the hall. He only needed to take a few steps, maybe turn a corner. Marcus wasn’t really gone.

  Seeing Marcus again was a thrill. It put his feelings in overdrive and he couldn’t calm down. Ray thought about calling him, pestering him with messages until he couldn’t take it any more and answered him. But he had too many things to say. And he wanted to be looking at him when he said them. Ray wanted to see his brow wrinkle. He wanted to see that sneaky half smile. He wanted to see that look when he did or said something stupid. Anything he thought of saying into the phone sounded pointless and doomed never to be heard by him. It was all just noise.

  He waited, checking his phone obsessively, looking around for him all the time even in the unlikeliest places. Ray stared out of his window thinking Marcus might come walking down that tree lines street and he would rush out to meet him.

  He had to stop thinking about Marcus so much. It wasn’t doing him any good and his obsessing over him wouldn’t bring him back. Marcus had come on his own. Maybe he would again when h
e was ready.

  To distract himself from thinking and waiting, he went to see Lydia. She wasn’t as loud or vivacious as some of his other friends, and that was perfect for his state of mind. The way he was, Ray didn’t think he could have tolerated his livelier friends without snapping. Lydia was so mild and unassuming that Ray had met her several times before he even noticed her. But when he finally did notice her, he saw what a kind, sweet girl she was. She could even look pretty when she took the trouble to highlight her warm brown eyes and did something with her long hair other than tie it in a pony tail. But Lydia wasn’t about showing off. She knew how to just sit quietly in another person’s company and not demand pointless conversation. She could also just speak reassuringly without prying. She was soothing and a good influence on Ray when he got all wound up and thought about doing something crazy to get Marcus back. Plus she had that nice old dog who always came to sit next to Ray when he visited. Ray was so wound up after seeing Marcus again and hardly even getting to hug him before he left. He needed the comfort.

  He stretched himself out on Lydia’s couch while she gave him green tea and tried to feed him her awful vegan snacks. Her dog came over so he could pet him then he settled himself where Ray could put his arm around him. How Ray envied Lydia her old dog and that she had never met Marcus or fallen stupidly in love with him.

  *

  Nothing was the same since he met Ray. Marcus now walked the city restlessly, sometimes wondering if he might see Ray on the street, just by accident. He couldn’t force himself to just stare ahead like he used to.

  Before knowing Ray, he had walked like a machine, one foot in front of the other no matter how exhausted he was. Now he felt alive and aware. Lovers walking together caught his eye. The smell of food from the restaurants he passed reminded him of Ray and his food fixation. He would find himself buying something to eat almost compulsively, like his newly alive body couldn’t go without nourishment like it used to. But it wasn’t just a physical hunger. Whenever he ate, he thought about how it would make Ray happy. If he thought about how he had made Ray sad, it added to his misery.

  He had found a way to double his pain and also lessen it. Though he denied himself what he most wanted, it hurt in a way that told him he was alive. And knowing that Ray was waiting, he wanted to run to him. Now wherever he walked, he felt like he was walking in the wrong direction because he wasn’t walking toward Ray.

  But the strangest thing was that he saw Vicky and Jake with new expressions. They had never seen him in love. They never would. But Marcus could picture how they would tease him. Vicky would be gentler about it. Jake would be merciless. What hurt him now was the thought that they would never meet Ray, and he would never know them. Feelings like those told Marcus how much he had changed and what it was that he now needed.

  *

  The little park on the corner had some nice shade. There were less than a dozen trees and only three benches. It was still good to have a little spot like that so close to his building. Ray mostly saw old people sitting there, sometimes people playing with their dogs. He was thinking of getting one himself. But he kept thinking that he and Marcus should go to an animal shelter and chose one together. Knowing that it wasn’t healthy to put his life on hold for Marcus didn’t stop him from thinking that way. Every other thought started with “When Marcus comes back”. Now Ray lingered in the little park trying not to think about him. The few benches there were wet from last night’s rain so he leaned on a tree and watched traffic go by.

  It was Saturday and Ray had made it a rule for himself that he wasn’t allowed to stay cooped up inside all day. Though he had to push himself to go out the door, Ray had gone for breakfast at a little diner and then strolled aimlessly, window shopped a little. Now he just loitered trying to make some plans for the weekend.

  The man was only in the corner of Ray’s vision as he crossed the street, but something about the way he moved drew Ray’s eye to him. Ray stopped breathing. Would he go the other way or come toward him? Ray held his breath until he started walking in his direction, toward the little park. Now Ray wondered if he would see him. Ray was standing in the shade. Marcus wouldn’t see him unless he was looking for him there.

  Watching him as he got closer, Ray took a deep breath to prepare himself. He was giving it a minute before he drew his attention. In that short time, he tried to imagine Marcus’s reaction and couldn’t. Ray had to let him see him and then he would know.

  As soon as Ray moved, Marcus turned to look his way and stopped. He came toward Ray to stand under the same tree. Ray clenched his fists so he wouldn’t pounce on him like he was a tackling dummy. Ray was speechless and staring. He wanted to scream and laugh and call him names for making him wait so long.

  But he only said, “Marcus.”

  Marcus nodded like he didn’t know what to say either. As he looked him over, Ray could swear that something had changed in his face and body. It wasn’t just that he was eating better and looked healthier. Marcus seemed more alive.

  Marcus took a few more steps so he was standing right in front of him. With him standing so close, Ray had to resist the urge to grab him and kiss him. Without warning, Marcus hugged him. The look on his face hadn’t prepared Ray for that. Ray hugged him a second later and made up for the delay by hugging him that much harder. With their chests pressed together, their heartbeats were sounding like one bigger heart was pumping blood for both of them.

  Ray let go so he could look at him again. They were in the shade, but there were flecks of sunlight that had sneaked between the leaves and dotted Marcus’s head and chest. Ray touched these little patches of sunlight and saw them transfer to his own fingers. Marcus’s hands caressed his face. He had that questioning look again. It was like Marcus was asking for some explanation. Maybe he wanted to know what he saw in an idiot like Ray.

  Marcus’s hands moved down to rest on his shoulders and then he was hugging him again. He shook Ray like he wanted to wake him within his embrace. Ray was fully awake and content, but also dangerously hopeful. Marcus felt so right in his arms, especially now that his body had filled in a little to regain some of its true shape. Though he could tell that Marcus’s body was more muscular and solid, Ray was dying to see it for himself. As he held him, Ray could smell his familiar scent as well as the scent of the earth and the trees around them and also the car exhaust from the street. Ray wanted to stay wrapped up with him forever, but they separated again, though they stood very close to each other now.

  “You were coming to see me,” Ray said. Marcus had to be on his way to him.

  “Lionel sent me to you. I went to him last week.” Marcus delivered this unlikely explanation with a straight face so it must have been true.

  “You did?” Ray was surprised that he would go to his uncle and glad too.

  “I don’t even know why. I wanted to tell him off I guess for getting me mixed up with you,” Marcus said with a shrug.

  “Hey!” Ray had to protest though that did seem a little more likely than a friendly visit between uncle and nephew.

  Marcus smiled then looked sheepish.

  “I wasn’t nice about it. While I was yelling at my uncle, I may have used the phrase ‘sloppy seconds’.”

  “Hey!!” Ray said this time really loud. There was no question that Marcus was talking about him.

  “Sorry. I didn’t mean it. Anyway, Lionel took up for you. He said I was a spoiled brat who couldn’t wipe his own ass without printed instructions, and that you were a nice boy who was worth ten of me. And he told me that I didn’t deserve you. Then he threw me out and said if I had something to sort out, to sort it out with you.”

  Ray gaped at Marcus for a second. It was all so hard to picture. Lionel was ruthless. But Ray was sure even Marcus knew that Lionel thought the world of him, and that Ray was a just a pleasant diversion to him. That’s why he was so rough with Marcus and kind to Ray. Families could be so strange.

  “I never took Lionel for a matchmaker
,” Ray said instead of saying what he was really thinking, which was “That’s just a small dose of Lionel’s tough love.”

  “Me either.” Marcus raised his eyebrows at the idea of Lionel the matchmaker. More seriously he added, “Sorry about what I said.”

  “I might forgive you. It all depends on whether you stay.” Then Ray added earnestly, “If you stay, I’ll forgive you everything.”

  Marcus looked very serious at those words. His expression was making Ray worry that he would give him bad news, maybe tell him he was going away somewhere. Marcus kept his voice low as he spoke.

  “I had to stay away. I didn’t know what I could do about myself. I was a broken down thing. I wasn’t even a person,” he said. “I thought about calling you so many times. But you were not the answer. I had to find my own way out before I could go to you.”

  As he paused, Marcus’s face contorted. He was remembering his inner struggle and the pain which was still with him. But then his face became determined and clear.

  “No matter what, I want to live on. I’ve decided. I’m not all better, but I think I am well enough to offer you something.” He looked Ray in the eye before he continued. There was both an answer and a question in his eyes. “I can’t promise not to look back. But whatever happens to me from now on, I want it to be with you.”

  At those words, it was like everything brightened in that one second. Ray was blinded by the world around him. There was a light wind in the trees that made the wet leaves sparkle. Ray could hear voices calling out down the street. The traffic seemed like a living thing, colorful and energetic stream flowing by. Ray felt like the air shimmered all around them. And Marcus was at the center of everything. Though they weren’t even in contact, it was like they were touching.

  “Ray.” His name sounded so good when Marcus said it. It reminded him of all the times Marcus had shouted it, murmured it, whispered it, slurred it both in and out of bed.